The Blog

Four years ago, in the city that changed my life, my wife and I stumbled upon a Buddhist center. We met a woman named Toba. She had such a calm presence that when we entered into her aura we instantly became tranquil. Although our encounter was brief, when I reflect back it was the single most impactful moment along my spiritual journey. After that experience I wanted to know, I had to know – how could a human being have such energy? And why was it happening in front of a Buddhist center? 

Unknowingly, the societal norms I’d inherited were being tested for validity. Buddhism was not forbidden but it damn sure wasn’t something I knew of, or saw of, which is why I was so perplexed. I thought an experience like this was supposed to happen in a church, or at bible study, or during a baptism. But no. It happened on the side of a street looking at a bulletin board where I saw titles like “skillful compassion” and “lovingkindness” . This type of vocabulary spoke to my heart, it spoke to my soul, but the person in me said this was wrong. This wrestling in my mind went back and forth for several months. To have even the tiniest of inkling into this philosophy/religion I thought would send me to hell. But the values, beliefs, and ideals I had adopted only lead to suffering, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction masked by attainment, achievement, and financial stability. I knew when I moved back to the west coast it was time to do something new. It was time to open my mind and see what happens. A bit apprehensive, but underneath the veil, my soul was ready. 

I started to spend more time in nature. My wife started teaching and practicing yoga. A practice that improves concentration and focus which is much needed in a society that values instant gratification. I started learning about Qi Gong. An ancient medicine that incorporates mindful, rhythmical movement in a fast paced rat race world. Slowly, but surely, my nervous system was resetting. This allotted more space in the mind. I started to engage in wholesome activities. When I needed to cry, I cried. When I was feeling a disturbing emotion, I didn’t numb, I voiced it.  Little by little I started to do the opposite of what I would normally do. What I started to notice was that the majority of my waking hours was spent in my head. I was either running from something, planning for something, or worried about something. Without slowing down, without meditation, I would’ve never been able to see this. 

We have to think. Thinking is a necessary function to keep us alive. Thinking is how we have come up with some of the greatest inventions that make our life easier. Thinking is how we pay the bills. But always thinking means that you’re not present. Reality is now. Reality is here – in the present moment. These practices force you into the present moment. Over time this new habit becomes a comfortable place. Less time on the phone and in front of the TV because real life becomes a lot more interesting. You gain control over the mind that has been programmed to overthink and ruminate. The mind constantly tends to float away to the next activity or the next assignment or the next task or the next…whatever the hell it is. With these practices you’re able to coral the floating mind back in. You’re less likely to hurry and panic. You feel less stressed. You make better decisions because you’re able to gather yourself. You realize that these changes have nothing to do with Buddhism or Hinduism or Jainism, or Christianity. Meditation – the art of being still is not exclusive to any one religion. Every holy book that you pick up mentions meditation, being still, repeating verses, repeating mantras, praying. All in an effort to focus your attention and fix your mind. You can have both. You can do both. When you direct your mind and practice with consistency and devotion, you – will – change. This is why today I appreciate all religions. The attempt is to get you to that stillness. That place outside of your head. It’s not a matter of if, it’s when. Naturally you come in contact with the truth of reality and that is that we are transcendent spirits.  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

I can be physically present and simultaneously in my head and not even notice. It’s hard to tame a mind that’s always run the show. We’re human. I’m human. I still take my mind away from reality through pleasure portals unmentioned. I’ve realized that those pleasure portals are unreliable though. Meditation is sustainable. It’s the only way. Extend yourself grace and compassion for even trying to meditate. It’s a challenge but the challenge bears ripe fruit; peace. 

When I met Toba, I wanted to know so bad what she had. I wanted to know how she got that. What did she do? And then it hit me, she wasn’t doing anything. She was operating as we all intend to operate. We’re human beings, not human doings. 

-Latt

The University of South Carolina Women’s Basketball team just won their 2nd national title in six years. When the clock hit zero and confetti dropped from the sky, jubilation was written all over their faces. When they’re in action, you see the grit- the will- the desire, the I will not be denied mentality. We see their confidence. We see these selfless superstars, who could be starting for any team in the country, come together playing for each other every time they step on the court. We see their humbleness. We see all of these things but do we ever ask ourselves the question: how?  

A commercial came on during halftime of one of the women’s games last week and I heard a familiar voice telling me that if I try these oofoos I will never own another pair of slides again. Shit! Why do I want to buy these shoes now? The Target center is in Minneapolis, Minnesota; 1,200 miles away from Columbia, South Carolina. But all I hear is gamecocks cheering during the game. How? How is she able to inject a whole city, state, and country with pride and joy? 

“This journey was divinely ordered” 

–Dawn Staley 2022 National Championship presentation acceptance speech

I’ve only met a few people in my lifetime that, when you enter their aura something shifts inside of you. You feel it in the atmosphere. Something is distinctly different about this human and you are healed when in their presence. I could try to describe it but no words can convey it. It is an experience.

Spirituality is the only true realm of reality. We conduct ourselves as a person with a mind and a body with wants and dreams and desires but the womb of existence is none of these things. Personally, my spiritual life was inherited and unexamined. This led to a misinterpretation of what it means. This led to a misunderstanding of what I really am. Thank God I found my way back home.

We’re all divine. The difference with Dawn is that she knows she is divine and that is why she is a cultural icon. When you’re in tune with the divine everything aligns. That doesn’t mean everything is perfect, there will be struggle. But at the end of the day you find refuge in the unchangeable and omnipresent. You realize that you don’t have to be anything but yourself. She is a walking certificate of authenticity because that’s what comes with knowing. An understanding that you are complete as you are. No enhancements or alterations of thy self are necessary. Dawn just doesn’t make you care about basketball. Dawn makes you care, period.  Basketball is a medium that she uses to infuse her wisdom into the lives of the next generation and it spreads out of the gym into all walks of life. Dawn is way more than a coach. If we pay attention, there is something deeper she’s evoking. There is something she is unintentionally and intentionally displaying for the world to see…

-Latt 

“Prejudice cannot be legislated away” -W.E.B. Du Bois

In March of 2020, right before life changed forever, my wife and I flew to the capital of sin where we committed tons of sins. Vegas. Lord forgive me. 

Our plan was to drive back to South Carolina so we could see the country. We were ecstatic. We took an alternate route so that we could vibe with my sister who lived in Utah. We stayed a night in Cheyenne, Wyoming. That next morning we would leave at sunrise and cross into Nebraska. Not even two minutes over the border we see a cop car parked under an overpass. I was going 79 and in a 75 (yes the speed limit was 75) so I knew there was a possibility those blue-red lights were about to pop on. Being stopped didn’t bother me at all. I was speeding. The disturbing and unsettling part was that he asked me questions, but didn’t believe a word I was saying.

“Where are you coming from”? : Vegas 

“Where are you going”? :  South Carolina 

“Why are you driving across the country”?:  To see America 

“What’s in your trunk”?: Luggage 

After answering all of his questions truthfully he said that he had “probable cause” because of certain “indicators”. Of course. 

A black man with a black wife sporting black shades listening to black music wearing all black in a rented big black car.

More officers arrived at the scene. These were the type of cops that still think cannabis is the devils lettuce. They patted me down and pushed me into the cop car for no reason. They split us up in an attempt to poke inconsistencies in our story, hoping we trip over our words. I guess it was an interrogation technique they learned in training that was ineffective, obvious, and racist. They knew our trunk was full of drugs. They were certain that they had their golden goose for the month. Until the German Shepherd sniffed and sniffed and sniffed and found nothing. It looked at them and said : 

“why are y’all wasting my time”? 

“Let them go! Oh yeah.. I want a treat for this bullshit when we get back too” !

Good boy.

When I got back in the car and rejoined my wife we embraced for a while. I wasn’t even pissed. I actually felt bad for them. I don’t know what it is inside of me but I naturally feel pity for anyone who is ignorant because I know at the core they’re unhappy. I knew that that incident would be the most exciting thing that happens in their lives for the next few months. For some reason, a memory from childhood popped into my head and inside I chuckled.

When I was a kid my mom bought me a book that was filled with facts about every state in America. The state bird, flag, animal, and a brief history on the formation. I was fascinated by this book so much that I memorized every capital on the first day. I couldn’t put it down. There was a picture of the cornfields of Nebraska in the book and I dreamed of running through the fields. Social studies, History, or any class that centered around geography I found a natural interest in. And excelled. To this day my wife and I play a geography quiz game on my ipad where you learn the capitals of countries all over the world. This deep seeded love for adventure has shaped my adulthood and I’ve seen some amazing sites. A nice view in solitude is restorative. My love and I discovered that our souls were intertwined with those two ingredients. I am away from the noise and busyness of the world. My mind is quiet. My ego disintegrates and so with it it’s selfish desires. This is where my faith is rooted. This is my spiritual practice. During my communion with nature is when I hear the still voice of God and although America is gorgeous and full of iconic landscapes, I only feel comfortable in certain spaces. 

I want to stay in a cabin in the middle of Montana. I want to ride a horse in Southern Utah. I want to go skiing in Idaho. Hell, I want a farm in Southern Oregon where we can grow fruits and vegetables. Maybe even some cannabis. OG Kush to be exact. I’m an explorer. I enjoy traveling but there is a part of me that knows if I were to fully embrace this pulling of my heart, I would put myself in danger. Finding Zen in black skin is conditional. Your brain won’t allow your being to rest in places where you are not welcome. You can’t operate as a whole person in parts of this country where you are viewed as a threat. So I must carefully and strategically choose our destinations in alignment with the beliefs of that particular city. This America wasn’t built with me in my mind. This America wasn’t built with my peace in mind. That cop in Nebraska proved to me that no matter what I say, no matter what I do, as the great poet Jay Z said: “I’m still a nigga”. He saw all of that black and activated his switch! I could’ve been Jesus himself but because my skin was black his unconscious bias colored his perception of reality. This subtle operation ordered his assumptions of criminality. His mind automatically became fixed and rooted in imperialism and white supremacy. Sadly, he didn’t even know. Sadly, a lot of white people still don’t notice this. And I get it. The hardest thing I’ve ever done was self introspect. You find a lot shit you don’t like about yourself. But I’d rather go through some humbling pain than live in delusion. 

I want to go, but for right now, I’ll have to put my curiosity at a standstill. I want to go, but for right now my black consciousness tells me to stay in the city. I want to go, but for right now, I can only dream. To my future kids reading this, go get your farm nigga! And grow me some OG Kush. And CBD. 

Latt

I can imagine how they must’ve felt walking into the colosseum in Rome. Putting on their armor, getting their minds ready for battle. And hearing that crowd! I know that roar. I know what it does to your mind…to your body. I know how it can capture your soul. It’s like a bolt of lightning transmitting power – striking the top of your skull coursing through your veins down to the bottoms of your feet – Up and down and up and down. Williams Brice would vibrate in chaotic harmony. Flooding my system with kinetic energy as I poetically sifted and slashed and maneuvered through the defenders. Playing the role of an alchemist- with my body as the command center. Tuning the bass, treble, and volume of that roar with every move I make. Transcending into an alternate reality where pain ceases to exist. 80,000 voices fuel your legs. 80,000 voices screaming, “Lattimore… Lattimore…. Lattimore”.

Ecstasy (MDMA) or better known as molly is a psychedelic drug with effects that typically include increased energy and pleasure. According to the National Institute of Health the drug releases high levels of serotonin and the high can last for up to six hours. I’ve never done ecstasy (only THC) but there is no way it could be better than what I was experiencing every Saturday in Williams Brice. You can’t get any higher. And if you thought I was high on the field, off the field I stayed in the clouds. 

The south, an environment where the mania and craze that surrounds college football  turns you into a mythical being. A place where you could walk into a grocery store to grab one item. But by the nature of your societal conditions, it transforms into an autograph signing. Or you walk into a restaurant and by the end of your meal the whole place has taken a picture. You see, the game is to pretend like you’re humble. The game is to pretend like it isn’t affecting you.  The game is to be what others expect you to be. At least that’s what I thought.

I loved it. I loved being able to make someone’s day. It gripped me. This is what everybody wants right? To be loved? You get a tingle inside your stomach knowing that you are the man everywhere you go. In my younger days, I would go to certain places simply because I knew that it would maximize my attention. Always standing in a spot where I was most visible, not waiting in line, rarely pulling out my wallet. Exclusivity simply because of my name. I was playing monopoly and buying up all the properties. I was treated supreme – and greeted like a King all because I could run the ball. 

I do a meditation (prayer) practice called Tonglen. It is a compassion practice where you can take on the heaviness of another human being and send them healing. I pray for those individuals in our world whose face is known and seen globally. I marvel at how someone like Lebron navigates the world on a daily basis because he never knows what he’s going to get. Any interaction at any given time with a random person could become extremely emotional; or better yet, dangerous. He faces this every time he steps outside his door. I conduct this meditation in many situations but in particular for all of the young athletes who receive a lot of attention. A young adolescent brain with a few things on his mind; sex, porn, and football. Most of us aren’t equipped to handle the gigantic responsibility that comes with being known. I pray that they find joy in their path. I pray for discernment. I pray they find self control in the midst of their hectic lifestyle. I pray that when they look in the mirror they see more than an athlete. I pray they go find some stillness and detox from the roar.

I do this because with every high, you must come down. It’s easy to get lost in that trance and take it for reality. It’s easy to let your ego take the wheel. It’s so easy to wrap your whole identity around what you do because people tell you how great you are everywhere you go.  The only message you’ve heard your entire life is your greatness. But, what happens when you can no longer suit up? What happens when the camera cuts off? You don’t know anything else so how do you transition? What if you were never taught any other skill? What if you were only recognized when you ran the ball?  I’ll tell you what happens. You’ll be searching and seeking relentlessly and viciously to fill that hole. More validation, more approval, more attention, more applause, more……. love. And even if they fuck up, even if they make a mistake. I pray they know that they aren’t a mistake. I pray they get back up.

-Latt

I’d just gotten a fresh cut at the barbershop. I put on my tailored suit, sprayed some cologne,  and slipped on my designer shoes. As the moderator for the night was reading my biography I kept my head down. Surrounding guests thought it was a gesture of my humble spirit but I was the only one that knew why. I was walking on stage to be inducted in the University of South Carolina Sports Hall of Fame. I pretended like I was happy to be there. I was good at concealing my true feelings. 

Everyday leading up to the ceremony led to more dread. More shame, more guilt, more of a reminder that I’m not what people think I am. I presented a false picture ever since the naive age of sixteen and for the first time in my life it was being exposed to me…… in the form of emptiness. 

I was thrusted into the spotlight, riddled with attention and notoriety. I could have anything I wanted whenever I wanted it and I took advantage of it. I had the responsibility of being a “role model” which translated to me at the time, perfect. Flawless. Naturally, I felt the need to upkeep this image by hiding my vices, my weaknesses, my covert addictions that were only growing. To top it off, I wore Christianity like a badge of honor although I never practiced the faith and in the south if you play football, and you’re a christian, you’re good as gold. 

“Everyone has a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individuals conscious life, the blacker and denser it is” -Carl Jung 

This was around the same time I started reading Robert Greene Laws of Human Nature so shit hit me like a truck. You become skilled at hiding. You learn the acceptable behaviors within society and display your best because you think that’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Until your spirit just can’t take it anymore. Yes, on paper I was a Hall of Famer. But I wasn’t a Hall of Fame person. I was not a Hall of Fame husband. I wasn’t a Hall of Fame friend. I gave some bullshit speech. I don’t even remember what I said but what I do remember is how I felt. After the ceremony was over I just wanted to go behind Colonial life arena and throw that Hall of Fame jacket in the dumpster. 

This was vital. 

That night shattered my worldview into itty bitty microscopic pieces. Through all of the painful realizations I was experiencing I discovered  the real definition of “success”. It had nothing to do with accomplishments, awards, trophies. No. It was all a lie. In hindsight, after accepting myself fully, what I came to understand is that it’s who you are when nobody is watching you. Who are you when the camera cuts off, behind closed doors. Success is feeling good in your own skin. Not acting like you do. Up until that day, my validation as a human being had been predicated on what happened externally. What I achieved externally. What I looked liked externally. What people thought of me….my God. 

I don’t pray and meditate to look cool. I don’t roll out this yoga mat for a trend. I don’t go to nature to take pictures. I didn’t downsize from 2,000 sq ft to 660 sq ft to be commended. I didn’t simplify my life for no reason. No, I didn’t choose these things, my soul pulled me this way. Call it whatever you want; intuition, the spirit, gut, I call it God because that’s really the only explanation for what transmitted into my being that night. The emptiness and dissatisfaction I felt for what was supposed to be a celebration was confirmation that worldly success does not equate to happiness. Look within. Look within. Look within. 

“Play with your own scoresheet” -Andre 3000

Drop a comment in the comment section below 

Any stand out moments in your life that redirected your course? Changed your perspective? Stand out as life changing?  (Painful or pleasant) 

What made it so?

We were playing Vanderbilt in 2011. It was the 4th quarter and we had the game in the bag because our defense was playing so well. Our plan was to run the clock out by running the ball. I took a handoff and went through the left A gap and someone came and hit me head to head. When I got up I was discombobulated and my vision was frazzled. The field and the players all turned into cartoonish mush. Picture trying to watch TV one inch away from the screen- that’s how I was perceiving. I know I should’ve come out but I didn’t. Somehow I took the handoff and got three yards on the next play. Thank God the coach took me out after that. 

This was the mentality I had ever since I started playing the game of football. You don’t come out, you don’t get tired, you out-will your opponent until they quit. This was a trait I took pride in. At the end of the day, toughness is non-negotiable in the sport.  

Never show weakness. 

That’s why Deebo Samuel is best player in the NFL. 

Get your ass up and keep going. I’m always good. 

As an everyday human this trained mentality and habit of always saying “I’m good” followed me into how I operated as a husband, friend, and son and has been a big reason why I went through tough times alone. It was an embedded lie. My most ready made response. I used it so much that I forgot how to cry. I don’t blame football. Football has been a blessing in my life and continues to be. It’s just a fact of who I am and we all have our reasons. 

There are so many factors that play into why we don’t express our true feelings.  Some of us had no one to care for us and practically raised ourselves. Maybe some of us were hurt or shunned so we can’t let anybody get too close. These traumatic experiences make an impression on our brain and the brain does not forget. Not to mention, we’ve been socially conditioned to say something quick in passing to the question, “how are you” which makes it even harder to really know. We can’t spill our hearts to everybody we come in contact with- that would be weird. Everyone is not worthy of hearing your story. However, I do believe we can explore that question “how are you” with ourselves a little more. 

When we say we’re good what are we actually saying? 

How do we know when we’re good and when we aren’t? 

If you’ve never really thought about it this is not an easy question to answer. For the longest time I had no clue. Completely oblivious. Now I know it’s mental clarity and I know the recipe for how to achieve that. One of my ingredients is nature. No matter the weather- rain, sleet, snow, or shine, getting outside boosts my mood significantly. But I didn’t always have this knowledge. What helps more is to notice the opposite patterns. 

For example: 

I know I’m not good when the only thing on my mind is the next time I’m going to get high.

I know I’m not good when I’m being short with my wife .

I know I’m not good when I see my dog as an annoyance. 

I know I’m not good when I’m ignoring calls and scrolling on my phone aimlessly. 

I know I’m not good when I’m attempting to escape the present moment- dreaming of the next vacation. 

Again, this took time to even notice. I used to justify these patterns as this is who I am when really they were just unskillful coping mechanisms. The truth of the matter is we all have some stuff. Some of it we may not be proud of, but we’re human. And it’s ok that you aren’t perfect. Its ok to be ‘not good’.

Some of my student-athletes and our encounters will be stuck in my brain forever because of their bravery. I sit in front of them and preach to them the importance of asking for help when you’re dealing with stuff. And they listen. Unafraid and unashamed, they come to me with their problems, their struggles, their weaknesses. We put together game plans on how to best move forward. After every meeting I’m inspired but also forced to take a real hard look at myself and analyze my inner world. Is there something I’m repressing? Is there something I’m avoiding? What I’m starting to realize is that the courage to be vulnerable is contagious and just because I’m the mentor doesn’t mean I can’t learn from the mentee. I still have my habitual “I’m good” response locked and loaded. From them, I’m learning freedom. The freedom to be real. The freedom in asking for help. The freedom that comes from not lying to yourself. How do I know when I’m really good? When I can sit in front of them as a whole person. Listening intently without trying to fix them, just listening. Damn, football really is the gift that keeps on giving. 

With peace and love 

Latt

(Drop your answer in the comment section below)

How do you know when you’re good?

What are some activities or exercises that you do to boost your mood  ?

My favorite song to boost my mood. Listen here:  Shannon “Let the music play” 

“The desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain. Almost all of our thoughts inevitably revolve around this desire” -Robert Greene 

I don’t believe that it is a coincidence that the first book I ever committed to came at a very low point. On the surface I had it all. High paying job, nice crib, nice car, beautiful family, and everywhere I went everybody loved me. Yet, I was still unhappy.    

When I first picked up Robert Greene Laws of Human Nature I didn’t know what was to come. As a matter of fact, I don’t know why I picked it up. At that time I didn’t have the courage to go and ask for help because I was scared to be weak. But there was something inside of me (Thank God) that was pushing me towards change. I needed to change. Desperately. 

I learned about irrationality, narcissism, short-sightedness, and many other aspects of human nature that were brand new. The more I read the more my jaw dropped. It was as if my deepest and darkest secrets were being exposed. I thought someone had stolen my diary. But that couldn’t have been true because I’d never written anything.

I learned how my household conditions led to my patterns of avoidance. I learned that my desire for attention and pleasure started as a high profile naive teenager. I learned how my emotions controlled me. All my beliefs, notions, and ideals about society were put under a microscope and analyzed. It was as if I was undergoing an exorcism. Every new piece of information was shocking. Indirectly, I was becoming more self aware.

I was humbled and ashamed. All this time I had no awareness of the damage I was doing to myself or to others. I felt guilty. People always talk about looking in the mirror but they never say how hard that shit actually is. However, through the wincing, there was a sliver of me that was relieved. Eventually I forgave myself because at the end of the day- I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And when you know better you do better. I’m not perfect and never will be. I’ve allowed myself to heal because I am aware and I can acknowledge my shortcomings. I have a vocabulary for it. I realized that part of my problem before the book was that I never thought it was important to express your emotions and I never had any techniques to do so. This sprang my career as a writer. 

Parker Palmer, an American author says: “Wholeness is not perfection. It’s embracing your brokenness as an integral part of your life.” 

I’ve said things I don’t mean, I’ve been weak, I’ve failed, I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, I’ve manipulated people. This is what I kept from the light and this is why the bad habits grew. This is not something I’m proud of, but this is who I am. I’m able to embrace all of myself fully. Without hiding. At the end of the day, all of us are just looking for somewhere we can be free. A place where we don’t have to put on a face. A place where we don’t have to compete. A place where we can just be. My wholeness has allowed me to be real with others. It’s transformed me into a better coach and mentor and one thing I’ve learned for certain is that I’m not alone. This birthed compassion. A radical compassion for the human condition. It’s crazy how it all started with a book. 

“Get free-be who you’re supposed to be” -Lauryn Hill 

With peace
Latt

Are there any books, verses, phrases, quotes, that have changed your life? Any special words that you hold onto? Drop them in the comment section below.