The Blog

BIPOC Block Party

McMinnville, Oregon

11/5/22

With peace and love

Latt

I drive through small towns

Because I’m a wanderer 

And whenever I’m in a small town

Particularly where there’s not a lot of black and brown – 

And I see that football field 

Its reassurance 

Of what ? I don’t know 

A lot of things 

Community – 

A reminder that unity 

Is a possibility

Regardless of what’s happening  

Its comfort 

Its a blanket of security 

Although my body was broken a few times on those fields 

I still gravitate towards those fields 

I don’t know 

Maybe I’m an addict 

Maybe I love pain 

Maybe I’m crazy 

Why would somebody still love it 

How could someone still love it 

Maybe I’m stuck in mentally abusive situation 

And my partner manipulates every time I try to leave 

It’s a part of me 

Etched liked a tattoo 

Engraved like a tombstone 

The remedy for my mood 

The fuel for my joy 

Because without that grass 

-I wouldn’t know how to fight in life 

Without that grass – I wouldn’t know how to get my ass up when I’ve been knocked down 

Without that grass 

I wouldn’t know the definition of courage 

And without that grass I wouldn’t have experiential knowledge 

And insight 

To know 

For certain 

That I can do anything 

You can’t change someone’s mind

You can’t change how someone feels about you 

You can’t fight delusion 

You won’t win 

Really 

All you can do 

At the end of the day 

Is be an example 

Of what compassion looks like 

Really 

All you can do 

Is be an example 

Of what forgiveness looks like 

Really 

All you can do 

Is be an example 

Of what love looks like 

Shit 

At the end of the day 

We all need it 

Even crazy mf’as 

“Rule #1 – Go and get the money. Rule #2 – Don’t forget to get the money!” 

-Young Dolph 

Before visiting Colombia quite frankly the only perception I had was from two of the most notorious drug dealers of all time in Griselda Blanco and Pablo Escobar. That’s all I had ever seen and as a kid it simply fascinated me that there were places where drug dealers actually ran the country. However, when I got there I learned that it was a lot more than cocaine. And perfect empanadas.

We stayed in Cartagena, the 5th largest city in the country. It sits right on the Caribbean ocean and is one of the dreamiest places on earth. The old city which is a legit fortress, is where our hotel was. Construction started back in the early 1600s and lasted almost two centuries. It was built to fight off continuous pirate attacks. You feel the history the moment you enter the walled city. When riding in your taxi from the airport what you immediately notice when looking out the window is how beautiful the people are. A combination of Native descendants, Africans, and Southeast Asians created a magical genealogical soup that birthed a slew of gorgeous human beings. Every possible shade on the brown palette is represented and only crayola could rival its array. They coexist harmoniously in the buzzling hustle of Cartagena like the intertwined roots of the trees that line the streets. Men, women, and children are all unbelievably beautiful. It is to the point that you can’t even believe that there is a place like this that exists. Now look, I’m not shallow. I know that beauty encompasses a lot more than the physical attributes. But hypothetically if we lived in a world where beauty was currency Colombia would by far be the richest country on earth. But that’s just the people.

In preparation for writing this I found myself researching and learning colors I had never even heard of before. One afternoon when we were sitting in the pool there was a school of parakeets that flew above us. Yes, I said parakeets. Not the ones that we’ve put in cages and forced to be our slave. Fuck that. I’m talking about a wild parakeet that makes pit stops at mango trees and pecks at the mango until it falls on the ground and some amber red squirrel comes and picks it up. They were this green color that I had never seen before in real life. I googled “green palette colors” and I learned that the color of that particular green is called parakeet! Crazy shit!

On every corner in the city there were people with coconuts striking a hole in the top for people to enjoy for 5000 Colombian pesos. Which is equivalent to a little more than 1 US dollar. The biggest and most scrumptious avocados, mangoes, watermelons. It is fruit heaven. I kept thinking to myself the whole time I can’t believe we pay anywhere from $3 to $5 a pound for this shit back in the states and here it’s just too many of them!

Now,

as I paint this picture of paradise, simultaneously, there is another reality being played out. 

Yes the city is gorgeous, the people are beautiful, the scenery is spectacular, but the whole time you are giving in or holding your ground. All of these wonderful things do not remove the fact that Colombia is still a 3rd world country where people do what they have to do to survive because of a multitude of reasons. The people that call this place home have to fend for themselves and it is a dog eat dog world. If you are a tourist, understand: you’re going to get hustled! From sun up to sun down all day. It’s simply a part of the experience. Interacting with beggars, being coerced, it’s all a part of it and the kids are the most clever. Tugging at your heartstrings as they gesture signs of starvation in your face. What do you do? How do you respond?

Street food vendors are selling their best Colombian snack lobbying for your attention. Hat man, bracelet man, excursion man, massage lady, souvenir person. All. Day. Long. 

However, Colombia was not as scary as it was portrayed in the media the past decade of my life. These were good people who are in impoverished situations doing the best they can. They are intentional about eating that night and I ask myself what would I do if I was in a similar situation? What would be my hustle? 

We’re all just a product of our circumstances. I can’t do anything but respect it. Although the shit is annoying and exhausting, I can’t fault them at all. When you understand the conditions of a place it’s easier to accept it. Money is the universal motivation. Money is the universal desire. Those with it are considered successful, and envied. And those without it are striving to get in that seat. This way of thinking was adopted into the minds of the natives when the imperialists came. And that mindset stayed. Just like in America. 

As a matter of fact when I look at it, America is not much different than Colombia. We value money more than our citizens but we would rather be deceptive about it. We’d rather exploit it by hacking into people’s psychology conveying a story to their emotions. At least in Colombia it’s direct and to the point and I appreciate that. Shit I guess everybody no matter where you go is really on the same thing. The more extreme the circumstances the more creative we become. 

Latt

Four years ago, in the city that changed my life, my wife and I stumbled upon a Buddhist center. We met a woman named Toba. She had such a calm presence that when we entered into her aura we instantly became tranquil. Although our encounter was brief, when I reflect back it was the single most impactful moment along my spiritual journey. After that experience I wanted to know, I had to know – how could a human being have such energy? And why was it happening in front of a Buddhist center? 

Unknowingly, the societal norms I’d inherited were being tested for validity. Buddhism was not forbidden but it damn sure wasn’t something I knew of, or saw of, which is why I was so perplexed. I thought an experience like this was supposed to happen in a church, or at bible study, or during a baptism. But no. It happened on the side of a street looking at a bulletin board where I saw titles like “skillful compassion” and “lovingkindness” . This type of vocabulary spoke to my heart, it spoke to my soul, but the person in me said this was wrong. This wrestling in my mind went back and forth for several months. To have even the tiniest of inkling into this philosophy/religion I thought would send me to hell. But the values, beliefs, and ideals I had adopted only lead to suffering, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction masked by attainment, achievement, and financial stability. I knew when I moved back to the west coast it was time to do something new. It was time to open my mind and see what happens. A bit apprehensive, but underneath the veil, my soul was ready. 

I started to spend more time in nature. My wife started teaching and practicing yoga. A practice that improves concentration and focus which is much needed in a society that values instant gratification. I started learning about Qi Gong. An ancient medicine that incorporates mindful, rhythmical movement in a fast paced rat race world. Slowly, but surely, my nervous system was resetting. This allotted more space in the mind. I started to engage in wholesome activities. When I needed to cry, I cried. When I was feeling a disturbing emotion, I didn’t numb, I voiced it.  Little by little I started to do the opposite of what I would normally do. What I started to notice was that the majority of my waking hours was spent in my head. I was either running from something, planning for something, or worried about something. Without slowing down, without meditation, I would’ve never been able to see this. 

We have to think. Thinking is a necessary function to keep us alive. Thinking is how we have come up with some of the greatest inventions that make our life easier. Thinking is how we pay the bills. But always thinking means that you’re not present. Reality is now. Reality is here – in the present moment. These practices force you into the present moment. Over time this new habit becomes a comfortable place. Less time on the phone and in front of the TV because real life becomes a lot more interesting. You gain control over the mind that has been programmed to overthink and ruminate. The mind constantly tends to float away to the next activity or the next assignment or the next task or the next…whatever the hell it is. With these practices you’re able to coral the floating mind back in. You’re less likely to hurry and panic. You feel less stressed. You make better decisions because you’re able to gather yourself. You realize that these changes have nothing to do with Buddhism or Hinduism or Jainism, or Christianity. Meditation – the art of being still is not exclusive to any one religion. Every holy book that you pick up mentions meditation, being still, repeating verses, repeating mantras, praying. All in an effort to focus your attention and fix your mind. You can have both. You can do both. When you direct your mind and practice with consistency and devotion, you – will – change. This is why today I appreciate all religions. The attempt is to get you to that stillness. That place outside of your head. It’s not a matter of if, it’s when. Naturally you come in contact with the truth of reality and that is that we are transcendent spirits.  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

I can be physically present and simultaneously in my head and not even notice. It’s hard to tame a mind that’s always run the show. We’re human. I’m human. I still take my mind away from reality through pleasure portals unmentioned. I’ve realized that those pleasure portals are unreliable though. Meditation is sustainable. It’s the only way. Extend yourself grace and compassion for even trying to meditate. It’s a challenge but the challenge bears ripe fruit; peace. 

When I met Toba, I wanted to know so bad what she had. I wanted to know how she got that. What did she do? And then it hit me, she wasn’t doing anything. She was operating as we all intend to operate. We’re human beings, not human doings. 

-Latt

The University of South Carolina Women’s Basketball team just won their 2nd national title in six years. When the clock hit zero and confetti dropped from the sky, jubilation was written all over their faces. When they’re in action, you see the grit- the will- the desire, the I will not be denied mentality. We see their confidence. We see these selfless superstars, who could be starting for any team in the country, come together playing for each other every time they step on the court. We see their humbleness. We see all of these things but do we ever ask ourselves the question: how?  

A commercial came on during halftime of one of the women’s games last week and I heard a familiar voice telling me that if I try these oofoos I will never own another pair of slides again. Shit! Why do I want to buy these shoes now? The Target center is in Minneapolis, Minnesota; 1,200 miles away from Columbia, South Carolina. But all I hear is gamecocks cheering during the game. How? How is she able to inject a whole city, state, and country with pride and joy? 

“This journey was divinely ordered” 

–Dawn Staley 2022 National Championship presentation acceptance speech

I’ve only met a few people in my lifetime that, when you enter their aura something shifts inside of you. You feel it in the atmosphere. Something is distinctly different about this human and you are healed when in their presence. I could try to describe it but no words can convey it. It is an experience.

Spirituality is the only true realm of reality. We conduct ourselves as a person with a mind and a body with wants and dreams and desires but the womb of existence is none of these things. Personally, my spiritual life was inherited and unexamined. This led to a misinterpretation of what it means. This led to a misunderstanding of what I really am. Thank God I found my way back home.

We’re all divine. The difference with Dawn is that she knows she is divine and that is why she is a cultural icon. When you’re in tune with the divine everything aligns. That doesn’t mean everything is perfect, there will be struggle. But at the end of the day you find refuge in the unchangeable and omnipresent. You realize that you don’t have to be anything but yourself. She is a walking certificate of authenticity because that’s what comes with knowing. An understanding that you are complete as you are. No enhancements or alterations of thy self are necessary. Dawn just doesn’t make you care about basketball. Dawn makes you care, period.  Basketball is a medium that she uses to infuse her wisdom into the lives of the next generation and it spreads out of the gym into all walks of life. Dawn is way more than a coach. If we pay attention, there is something deeper she’s evoking. There is something she is unintentionally and intentionally displaying for the world to see…

-Latt 

I can imagine how they must’ve felt walking into the colosseum in Rome. Putting on their armor, getting their minds ready for battle. And hearing that crowd! I know that roar. I know what it does to your mind…to your body. I know how it can capture your soul. It’s like a bolt of lightning transmitting power – striking the top of your skull coursing through your veins down to the bottoms of your feet – Up and down and up and down. Williams Brice would vibrate in chaotic harmony. Flooding my system with kinetic energy as I poetically sifted and slashed and maneuvered through the defenders. Playing the role of an alchemist- with my body as the command center. Tuning the bass, treble, and volume of that roar with every move I make. Transcending into an alternate reality where pain ceases to exist. 80,000 voices fuel your legs. 80,000 voices screaming, “Lattimore… Lattimore…. Lattimore”.

Ecstasy (MDMA) or better known as molly is a psychedelic drug with effects that typically include increased energy and pleasure. According to the National Institute of Health the drug releases high levels of serotonin and the high can last for up to six hours. I’ve never done ecstasy (only THC) but there is no way it could be better than what I was experiencing every Saturday in Williams Brice. You can’t get any higher. And if you thought I was high on the field, off the field I stayed in the clouds. 

The south, an environment where the mania and craze that surrounds college football  turns you into a mythical being. A place where you could walk into a grocery store to grab one item. But by the nature of your societal conditions, it transforms into an autograph signing. Or you walk into a restaurant and by the end of your meal the whole place has taken a picture. You see, the game is to pretend like you’re humble. The game is to pretend like it isn’t affecting you.  The game is to be what others expect you to be. At least that’s what I thought.

I loved it. I loved being able to make someone’s day. It gripped me. This is what everybody wants right? To be loved? You get a tingle inside your stomach knowing that you are the man everywhere you go. In my younger days, I would go to certain places simply because I knew that it would maximize my attention. Always standing in a spot where I was most visible, not waiting in line, rarely pulling out my wallet. Exclusivity simply because of my name. I was playing monopoly and buying up all the properties. I was treated supreme – and greeted like a King all because I could run the ball. 

I do a meditation (prayer) practice called Tonglen. It is a compassion practice where you can take on the heaviness of another human being and send them healing. I pray for those individuals in our world whose face is known and seen globally. I marvel at how someone like Lebron navigates the world on a daily basis because he never knows what he’s going to get. Any interaction at any given time with a random person could become extremely emotional; or better yet, dangerous. He faces this every time he steps outside his door. I conduct this meditation in many situations but in particular for all of the young athletes who receive a lot of attention. A young adolescent brain with a few things on his mind; sex, porn, and football. Most of us aren’t equipped to handle the gigantic responsibility that comes with being known. I pray that they find joy in their path. I pray for discernment. I pray they find self control in the midst of their hectic lifestyle. I pray that when they look in the mirror they see more than an athlete. I pray they go find some stillness and detox from the roar.

I do this because with every high, you must come down. It’s easy to get lost in that trance and take it for reality. It’s easy to let your ego take the wheel. It’s so easy to wrap your whole identity around what you do because people tell you how great you are everywhere you go.  The only message you’ve heard your entire life is your greatness. But, what happens when you can no longer suit up? What happens when the camera cuts off? You don’t know anything else so how do you transition? What if you were never taught any other skill? What if you were only recognized when you ran the ball?  I’ll tell you what happens. You’ll be searching and seeking relentlessly and viciously to fill that hole. More validation, more approval, more attention, more applause, more……. love. And even if they fuck up, even if they make a mistake. I pray they know that they aren’t a mistake. I pray they get back up.

-Latt

I’d just gotten a fresh cut at the barbershop. I put on my tailored suit, sprayed some cologne,  and slipped on my designer shoes. As the moderator for the night was reading my biography I kept my head down. Surrounding guests thought it was a gesture of my humble spirit but I was the only one that knew why. I was walking on stage to be inducted in the University of South Carolina Sports Hall of Fame. I pretended like I was happy to be there. I was good at concealing my true feelings. 

Everyday leading up to the ceremony led to more dread. More shame, more guilt, more of a reminder that I’m not what people think I am. I presented a false picture ever since the naive age of sixteen and for the first time in my life it was being exposed to me…… in the form of emptiness. 

I was thrusted into the spotlight, riddled with attention and notoriety. I could have anything I wanted whenever I wanted it and I took advantage of it. I had the responsibility of being a “role model” which translated to me at the time, perfect. Flawless. Naturally, I felt the need to upkeep this image by hiding my vices, my weaknesses, my covert addictions that were only growing. To top it off, I wore Christianity like a badge of honor although I never practiced the faith and in the south if you play football, and you’re a christian, you’re good as gold. 

“Everyone has a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individuals conscious life, the blacker and denser it is” -Carl Jung 

This was around the same time I started reading Robert Greene Laws of Human Nature so shit hit me like a truck. You become skilled at hiding. You learn the acceptable behaviors within society and display your best because you think that’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Until your spirit just can’t take it anymore. Yes, on paper I was a Hall of Famer. But I wasn’t a Hall of Fame person. I was not a Hall of Fame husband. I wasn’t a Hall of Fame friend. I gave some bullshit speech. I don’t even remember what I said but what I do remember is how I felt. After the ceremony was over I just wanted to go behind Colonial life arena and throw that Hall of Fame jacket in the dumpster. 

This was vital. 

That night shattered my worldview into itty bitty microscopic pieces. Through all of the painful realizations I was experiencing I discovered  the real definition of “success”. It had nothing to do with accomplishments, awards, trophies. No. It was all a lie. In hindsight, after accepting myself fully, what I came to understand is that it’s who you are when nobody is watching you. Who are you when the camera cuts off, behind closed doors. Success is feeling good in your own skin. Not acting like you do. Up until that day, my validation as a human being had been predicated on what happened externally. What I achieved externally. What I looked liked externally. What people thought of me….my God. 

I don’t pray and meditate to look cool. I don’t roll out this yoga mat for a trend. I don’t go to nature to take pictures. I didn’t downsize from 2,000 sq ft to 660 sq ft to be commended. I didn’t simplify my life for no reason. No, I didn’t choose these things, my soul pulled me this way. Call it whatever you want; intuition, the spirit, gut, I call it God because that’s really the only explanation for what transmitted into my being that night. The emptiness and dissatisfaction I felt for what was supposed to be a celebration was confirmation that worldly success does not equate to happiness. Look within. Look within. Look within. 

“Play with your own scoresheet” -Andre 3000

Drop a comment in the comment section below 

Any stand out moments in your life that redirected your course? Changed your perspective? Stand out as life changing?  (Painful or pleasant) 

What made it so?