The Blog

August 30, 2020

“Come Back”

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As much as I can I try to catch myself before I fall, or drift off into a place

That’s hard to escape and that’s my head, where chaos and to-do lists exist.

Where anxiousness persists. “Come back!” Is what I tell myself,

Look around! You’re surrounded by wealth. Green trees and blue skies will

Always override the internal dialogue that sends my emotions on a landslide

“Come back!” Is what I tell myself. Be here now! It’s all you have and all you’ll

Ever have.

I run the hill every morning up to Washington Park. In my head because I’m slower than the day before. “You shouldn’t have stayed up so late.” Do you remember what you ate? “What about that glass of wine you drank?

“Come back!” Is what I tell myself.

And when I get to the top of the hill, I see those same kind faces, even in their old ages, moving their body in synchrony, peacefully.

Present in the moment. And I’m reminded, be here. Be grateful.

August 20, 2020

Utopia

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By now its not a secret I’m a fully conscious delinquent
Scrolling through my mind and all the places I would frequent
Especially during the season
It really got me thinking
The deep rooted reason
The deep rooted reason behind all that special treatment

“You’re the man, our favorite, our #1 pick”!
But my brother right beside me, you treat like him shit?
That switch, oh that switch!
It’ll never make sense
I guess ignorance is bliss if it’s the point that you miss

If this is too intense,
I’m probably talking to you
And to my brothers out there, this one’s for you
I got a lot more to do
I didn’t stand up for you
But that dude is gone, I had to change my view
Addicted to the fame
Addicted to the “love”
Addicted to attention and that’s a hell of a drug

When I saw it,
With,
My own two eyes,
A racist in disguise
Working his color-blinds
Not wasting any time
As your anxiety rise, an internal divide

As I sit and fantasize
Of a world that’s different
Where respect has no conditions
Where respect has no intentions
And to enter an establishment is not a phobia
Keep pushing the needle
Until it’s NOT a utopia

August 19, 2020

Accountability

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We sometimes take lightly how much we are influenced by the people we spend most of our time with because it’s so hard to recognize. It happens on an unconscious level. The desire to fit in is ingrained within the human we are. We are social by nature. This is very important to know because we may end up surrounded and influenced by people who don’t necessarily have our best interest at heart just because we don’t want to feel alone. Knowing who you are and having the ability to think for yourself in a world that values conformity is vital. Jim Rohn has a quote that is spot on and it says,”we become exactly like the five people we hang around the most”.

One of the most disheartening things I hear in almost every rapper’s song is how things change once fame rolls in. How their homies switch up on them once success came their way. Most of them, obviously, were completely unaware of their character. This is not a bad discovery though, it’s actually a good thing because the people who didn’t switch up, you can count on them. Success and adversity reveals who is truly in your corner. Yes, it may hurt that people aren’t who you thought they were, but that’s a great indication that they weren’t good for you anyway. A win win!

This conclusion makes us see that their care and love is conditional. A transactional mindset is by nature inauthentic and not to be trusted. Those who truly care about you, care about you, the human. Not the persona you play, or the skill God gave you to make a living. Not the star. Not the guy with all of the attention. Public figures still cry, make mistakes, they eat, they sleep, they experience pain. True care is steadfast and consistent.

Michael Vick, one of my favorite players of all time and one of the greatest in my opinion to ever play the game had a two part docu series come on ESPN. Safe to say I learned a lot about why Vick made some of the decisions he made. He bought houses for his “friends’’ to hang out in. One of his closest “friends” convinced him that it would be a good idea to purchase a bunch of dogs, keep them in terrible conditions on a property in his name and start a fighting ring. Now, I love dogs and I don’t condone what he did at all. But it brings the question up:

Would he have done this if he had someone in his corner that actually cared about him? Somebody that could look him in his eyes and say, “Vick, what you’re doing right now is wrong. It’s illegal and it will ruin your reputation. Maybe or maybe not, but it’s very evident that his circle of friends played a big part in his decision. True care is accountability. True care recognizes your potential and can see the good inside of you. True care never jeopardizes your well being or puts you in a situation that may damage your reputation True care is more an attitude than anything. A tone of voice that is trustworthy. Somebody who truly cares is someone that will say no for you when you can’t say no.

If you have that in your life, value it. It’s comforting, it’s rare, it’s sacred…

-ML

August 18, 2020

Reminded

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Stand fierce against hatred…
Air so tense right now you can taste it
Feeling left out, out of place in this nation
Hell we here now, might as well face it

Don’t know what’s gotten into me
Everywhere I go white people looking like the enemy
Not conscious, but subliminally
I don’t like it, I don’t get it
Affecting my mood, can’t even groove
This shit is killing me
We conveniently,
Forget
All our commonalities

We all hurt the same, we may see it different, but we all feel the pain
It’s not the same, and never will be
As I change my trajectory, of a life true to therapy
Michelle Obama reminded me
What’s always wins
In the end

Empathy
Sympathy
And a little reciprocity
I gotta be an example
A lot of people follow me
And honestly, things will never ever be perfect
But I think that’s the point. To recognize we’re all hurting..

August 18, 2020

Fearless

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Beyonce and Jay Z have many songs together, but one of my favorites is titled “Nice”. Confidence exudes out of their pores and it is inspiring every time I listen because they were just like us. Two black people in America who came from little means, built their own careers through hard work and determination.They revealed to black america what is possible when you have no fear. And then they fell in love and built an empire that is unbreakable. They’re legacy will live forever making them immortal.

In the first chorus Jay Z’s confidence is transparent and there are a few lines that stop me in my tracks every time.

“What would you do, you knew you couldn’t fail

I have no fear of anything, do everything well

I have no fear of jail, I was born in the trap

I have no fear of death, we all born to do that”

I take a huge sigh of relief when I hear those words. The reality of the inevitable sets in and puts my mind at ease. We’re all going to die. We don’t know when. We don’t know how. And guess what…

we do not get to choose.

Now, you can look at that line and see something completely different. You can feel helpless and hopeless. You can worry about a part of life that is not within your control and let it direct every decision you make. Chaining us to an anxious mental prison that values comfort. Or it can release you. Freeing your mind, allowing exploration, to go do IT. Whatever IT is. Your heart desires something. Maybe it’s a vacation to a place you’ve never been that you saw on TV. Maybe it’s starting your own business. Whatever the case may be, go do it. There are no do overs. It might be scary and it may take a lot of work, but laying on your deathbed with regrets? Saying to your family and friends, “what could’ve been”. Reminiscing on things you should have said or should have done? Well, I’d say that’s more terrifying than the obstacles you’ll have to overcome to do IT. In this case, be like Jay Z and Beyonce. Have confidence and speak it into existence everyday you wake up. And when those hurdles come, remember. Death is inevitable.

-ML

August 17, 2020

Agency

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Nobody ever said that it was easy to look in the mirror. Nobody ever said that being honest with ourselves would be one of the most challenging things we would ever have to do. But it is, and it’s worth it. You may discover when you embark on this journey of inquiring deep inside yourself that some ideas you have were implanted by other people. You can’t beat yourself up for that, that’s natural and it happens to everyone. However, if you continue on the same path, you will end up with the same results. So the first question we must ask ourselves is where do I want to go? Or, who do I want to be? Albert Einstein famously said, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity”. This is what happens when we’re unaware and we refuse to be real with ourselves.

Agency: Owning your life. The technical term for the feeling of being in charge of your life. Having agency over your life is being able to sit in the driver seat, control the a/c, select your choice of music and control the speed. Not your friends’ influence. Not your emotions. Not your family. No. Only you! To get to that point, it’s painful because most of us will not like what we see in the mirror or the things we may uncover. I know I didn’t. It hurt like hell to admit to myself that I was a manipulator, a liar, and all sorts of other shit. But these feelings contain important insights that bring us closer and closer to what went wrong. And how it went wrong so it doesn’t happen again. Losing ourselves happens unconsciously.

We also find out what we like, what we don’t like, what makes us angry and sad. What situations bring out stress and anxiety. And most importantly, what’s being used as distractions. Striving for your full human potential can only start after you address the things that are prohibiting growth. Anything within your control is your responsibility, including your time. And if something is blocking you from your destiny it is a distraction. Excuses become like second nature when we are unaware. You’ll find a way to justify your shortcomings with excuses and eventually, you’ll be an expert at explaining why you couldn’t do it. When distractions run you, excuses rule you.

Whatever your heart desires is readily available to you. And if it’s important enough, you’ll figure it out. Removing the useless habits and replacing them with useful habits. Take control over your life and go get what yours. You deserve it!

-ML

August 11, 2020

Allowed to Dream

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Trap music is special. All walks of life worldwide gravitate towards it because of its authenticity. It’s unapologetic style paints a vivid picture of the harsh realities that come with growing up in the trap.These men and women who get behind the mic and tell their stories are built differently. They’ve experienced things no human being should have to. At very young ages! They have an aspiring level of confidence and resilience that was necessary to triumph over their terrible conditions. They beat the odds. And they’re heroes for that reason.

Not everybody makes it out of the trap. As a matter of fact, most don’t. I read a book called “Born a Crime”, by Trevor Noah. A famous comedian from South Africa that made it out of the trap (Johannesburg township. Proper name, soweto). He describes how city officials designed the roads in a manner that if there were any signs of a revolution by black people who were sick of being oppressed, the ghetto could be blocked off. One way in and one way out.

America didn’t take it that far but I spent most of my summers in the projects of Atlanta where I was surrounded by black people and black people only. Housing units as large as four stories for big families like the ones my cousins lived in. Big, tall, steel fences surrounded the complex. When you entered the projects there was a gate that was manned by workers who lived there. And at that moment, it felt like you were a millions miles away from the city center of Atlanta. I couldn’t complain though, we had fun. We played sports just like any other kids would in the summer. I believe that’s where I developed my toughness for the game. I was a shy kid so my way of fitting in was to play harder than anyone out there. We made the most of our time and some of my greatest memories as a child are in Thomasville Heights Projects.

But I’m no longer that naive kid. I now understand that Atlanta is a tale of two cities with distinct differences. One set up for prosperity, and the other, well, to survive. My mom grew up in those inner city projects. Carver Homes to be exact where crime ran rampant. No dad around. Mom was out partying. She had to feed herself and take care of her younger siblings. There weren’t any tools for her to be successful. The only businesses around were the usual’s in any hood. Prostitution, drug dealers, fast food restaurants, and liquor stores. Oh and not to mention, black women were being kidnapped at an alarming rate during her teens. She spent her adolescence in fight or flight mode constantly trying to make sense of a world that didn’t value her existence. She couldn’t dream. She was worried about eating. Hell, she wasn’t allowed to dream and that type of resilience is why I say people from the trap who make it out are just built differently. They know how to struggle and they do it well!

And she got out of that cycle. That system, as Killer Mike puts it, “THAT SOCIETY WAS DESIGNED TO KEEP ME ON THE BOTTOM.” And because she got out, I was allowed to dream. My life could be about goals and aspirations and fulfilling my purpose. All because she made a choice to say no to her environment. When her circumstances could have easily defined her, she said no. I’m thankful and I’ll never take that for granted. Dream, somebody allowed it.

August 8, 2020

Inflicted

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Had a talk with myself I had to build him up

Not the one that’s writing, but the one that’s tucked

Fighting age old ways had to wish him luck

Back in my high school days man that dude was stuck

Travel back in time to uncover all the secrets

Sporadic in my thoughts as I try to fit the pieces

Fighting temptation I just want to be decent

There’s a human inside and he shaking that weakness

And demons….. And demons

Had to make a decision, pleasure or your people

Choose the right one or it might be lethal

Mature and grow up, they can’t be equal

Life ain’t a game, there is no sequel

Used to keep discomfort in my head,

Until I realized that’s a system for the dead

Used to keep discomfort in my head

Until I realized that’s a system for the dead

August 5, 2020

Cocktails

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Mix the love of pleasure

With the need for power

A dangerous cocktail that’ll make you a coward

Aimed to devour

With selfish desires

I’m not Reese or Kerry

But I had little fires

Crazy how habits change

And constantly rearrange

One thing I’ve learned, in this world, you can’t stay the same

Your old ways are useless

Keep them contained

Forever evolving, in this life full of pain

But you have control

Of how you respond

Don’t believe what you see

Believe whats been done

You’re the only one

Who knows who you are

And if you’re searching elsewhere, you won’t get too far

So when all else fails

Feeling like you’re in hell

Try a new way of living

Make a new cocktail

August 4, 2020

Values

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Lies plagued my life for a long time. And let me say this, it is one of the most destructive and exhausting habits to have. I didn’t plan to become a liar, it just happened. I don’t think anyone wakes up in the morning with their pajamas on, hits their alarm clock, does a big huge yawn (like in the movies) and says, “You know what? I think I want to become a liar! Let’s gooo!” That’s not how it works, I don’t think at least. Could it have been because I hated confrontation? Could it be because I never wanted to disappoint anyone? Maybe, but those are the types of questions I have to keep asking myself. Those are the types of questions that bring you closer to the roots.

All behavior has an origin, discovering that origin is the challenging part. Does that justify or excuse the behavior? Hell no it doesn’t. You f***** up. Period. And once you realize the damage you created internally and externally, shame and guilt sets in. And those emotions are powerful! So powerful that if you sit with them long enough, you discover the source of power you need to recover. And get better.

And slowly, but surely, I’m starting to realize that you have to be kind to yourself. The language we use toward ourselves determines if we can move on with our lives or not. Calling yourself stupid over and over again isn’t going to change what happened. Humans have been fallible and imperfect since the dawn of creation. Just because you did something terrible doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. Give yourself grace and steer clear of those who believe in perfection. Or better yet, surround yourself with people who are human. Who understand the challenges that come with life. Who understand that, inherently, we’re all good. We just learned some survival strategies that are wacky, lame, and stump our growth. But most importantly, surround yourself with people who will hold you accountable and embody virtues.

“The truth shall set you free”

That was just some cute slogan when I was younger and didn’t have to worry about the consequences of my actions and how they affect the people closest to me. The shit is wild to even think about. But now? It’s almost as if life was going so fast in one direction I had to put it in reverse. I had become so accustomed to lying that it was a part of who I was. It was one of my values. Sadly. And when you value something so damn stupid, and you become aware of how many issues it caused, you must change. I guess that’s why I’m sitting in front of this keyboard spilling my soul. I guess that’s why I need to write or I don’t feel right. I have to get this shit out because being in prison is no fun. Once you get a taste of mental freedom, you want more. I guess it’s really not some cute slogan after all…

-ML