The Blog

My Introduction

As I was sitting at home one day watching ESPN, the Rashaan Salaam E:60 preview came on. May God rest his soul peacefully. Like many people, I had heard the name. I heard about him being thrust into the starting lineup and never looking back. I heard about his greatness on the football field. And I always wondered what happened. And then, I read his story. I know that a short article cannot do justice or explain one’s life. Only that person can capture his true being. And that is information that will forever be kept locked. But I remember pausing midway through the article and realizing how much I resonated not with his football career, but with his concealment of pain. The stories of those closest to him painted a grim resemblance of my
reality.

This is my pain.
This is my life.
My psychic life to be exact.

Click here to see the ESPN Video

Think for yourself

It’s almost impossible to imagine a life without the basic necessities we take for granted. Thousands of years ago, electricity did not exist. Looking for food, or, securing shelter for your family in pitch darkness required humans to develop a way to communicate. Thousands of years ago, face to face communication was a vital tool. We were forced to be social if we wanted to ensure our survival. Technologically, we have advanced, but human nature does not change. We are social beings. It’s embedded into our DNA just like any other mechanism we’ve developed to stay alive. We no longer have to worry about being able to see because it’s too dark or run from potential predators. However, the need to conform is a natural side effect of our evolution. 

When we join a group of like-minded individuals, we feel comfortable, confident, and safe. And depending upon what group you enter, this can lead to disastrous consequences. Our desire to fit in pulls at us so strongly that we forget to think for ourselves. We sacrifice the ability to formulate our own ideas. Our own opinions. Our own values. Even our own decisions. Before you know it, you wake up and you ask yourself, who am I? 

Enter groups that encourage independent thinking; for they understand its sacredness. Your uniqueness is your gift to humanity. It’s okay to be different. 

“Madness is something rare in individuals but in groups, parties, peoples, and ages it is the rule.” 

-Friedrich Nietzsche 

How to Lead

“Do y’all have a bond? I’ll just be straight up honest with you: If you don’t have a strong bond, you’re not gonna win it.” -Navarro cheerleader alum 

Everybody wants to win but not everyone understands what it takes to sustain winning. If you want to know what leadership embodies, or you want to become a better teammate, or your interested in what a winning culture looks like, watch ‘Cheer’ on ‘Netflix’ 

The Navarro cheerleading squad of Corsicana on paper, should not be as successful as they are. It is the quintessential Texas town. Small, conservative, and traditional. But the cheer squad? Far from that. They are the epitome of what you want on a college campus. Multi-racial, inclusive, and accepting. 

The Head Coach of the defending National Champions, Monica Aldama is an amazing human. She could be doing many more things with her life with an MBA from one of the best business schools in the country. But no. 

She came back home to bestow her wisdom upon teenagers who come from many different backgrounds. Some homeless, abandoned by their families, criminals, victims of bullying, and many more. She is there home away from home. She gives them structure and stability. And for some, she is the mom they’ve never had. 

The level of trust that she has with them allows her to hold them to a higher standard of accountability to the team and to themselves. She empowers her captains to use their voice before, during, & after practice. If something needs to be said, it’s addressed right then and there. 

Her emotional intelligence is inspirational. A genuine understanding of how different everyone in the room is. And on that same token, a deep respect who they are and what they come from. 

Her values remain steadfast in the midst of adversity and mistakes. She doesn’t budge when it comes to having class and sportsmanship. In failure, or success. 

At the end of the day, she cares. And when you care as a coach, you’re giving your players a deep, DEEP psychological need that naturally births confidence to take on challenges on the mat. And off. 

Discovering Compassion

So many factors come into play when you speak of the development of a person. Genetics, habits, relationships with parents, and so forth. We are humans, and humans have certain nonsurvival needs that must be met, or we suffer. Our behavior, good and bad, has roots. The origin? Unknown to most. If you work really hard at self-analyzing, you can dig deep and discover some of those earliest influences but I know one thing, the brain never forgets what we’ve been through. And it (the brain) will do everything in its power to make sure our needs are met. So if you are searching for affection and love, you will find it. If you are searching for safety, you will find it. If you are searching for meaning in your life, you will find it. But what you find may not be what you’re looking for. And sometimes, like in my case, what you find can be addictive and destructive.

We are, by nature, social beings. Any behavior that is frowned upon in society, or within your group, must be repressed. It is too risky to jeopardize the comfort and safety of being with others. This is how our shadow grows. Our dark side. The side of us nobody knows about. The side we keep from the light because it may damage our position and reputation. We become masters at concealing and actors in public. Avoiding an important part of us that wants to be expressed. This is the start of the invisible civil war that can last until death.

If you dare

Be kind to yourself during this process of confrontation. Guilt, shame, pain, and embarrassment are natural processes when you’re honest with yourself. This transformation will hurt, but you have to remind yourself, be kind. No one in the history of mankind has become who they are without the help of other influences. I say this as a precursor because when you focus on yourself, you might not like what you see.

I know I didn’t. But that’s much-needed feedback. Looking in the mirror with ruthless objectivity will slowly reveal all of what you have attempted to avoid. And if you’re avoiding something, that means you have not dealt with it in a direct manner. You’re trying to go around it. Which leaves you with voids. Or holes. Or whatever you want to call it. These voids (holes) will be filled with your learned pleasures and desires. We feel satisfaction from these things
temporarily, but the hole is still left unfilled.

There is no prize you win for doing this. There isn’t an award ceremony or recognition for doing this. But it’s vital if you don’t want to fall into the ways of the world. It’s a lifelong journey, full of ups and downs. Your shadow will be with you forever and inevitably, you will fall. But do it anyway. Get free from all that crap in your mind. Release it. Discover compassion.

Empathy

May cause a sting when they beam.
Glad to know you’re on their team.
Light will shine like open drapes.
For you deserve a heroes cape.
Absorb the rays and win the trust.
Now, for your ear they lust.
You took it in, your job is done.
Oh how from dark you made the sun.

Heightened Awareness

Tryna ignore my conscious,
this shit ain’t working out.
Is peace even attainable?
It feeds me with doubt.
Conscious, fully awake,
uninterested in clout.
This pain on my brain,
I have to get it out.

Tension in the air,
or is it the atmosphere.
Heightened awareness
as black bodies disappear.

Things start to appear,
which initially wasn’t there.
The pendulum starts to swing
when you realize it wasn’t fair.

Either watch and be angry
or utilize your voice.
Do it b/c it’s right,
don’t give yourself a choice.

This ain’t about a peace prize.
Or for any recognition.

Seeing all these mamas cry
changed the path of my vision.

People are traumatized.
Forced into submission.

Fuck what you will jeopardize.
Standing up is the only decision.

Rest peacefully Mr. Floyd.

The Gardener

What grew in that garden,
I had to abandon.
Seeds had been planted,
& they manifested.

Thoughts become action,
pleasure, & satisfaction.
Didn’t know who I was,
not even a fraction.

Imposter syndrome,
took over the dome.
A fallible clone.
Scared to be alone.

An imitation of men.
Who are of my kin.
Lost in their skin.
Going backward to win.

The cyclical nature,
Of filling the void.
Treating women as toys.
Keeping men as boys.

Accept ourselves.
Align our body & mind.
And you’ll be fine because
you’re the gardener this time.

The Mystery

The mystery of life never ceases to amaze me. Somehow, and some way, my mom chose to move from Atlanta, Georgia. It just so happened that the town we planted our roots in was home to one of the greatest high school football programs in America. At that time, and still to this day. Football was very important to our community so we were afforded many opportunities that neighboring athletic programs weren’t. I, for many reasons, recognized the significance of being in this town at a young age. Bobby Bentley, the head of our program, put us on a plane my junior year to Oregon. My memory is spotty as I try to recall the entirety of the trip. But what is vivid, and what is clear, is the scenery from an aerial view looking outside of my window on
the plane just moments before we landed. It is ingrained into my being for eternity for it is the genesis of who I am today. Stepping off the plane in awe of how green and clear the atmosphere appeared. A new place with new people. New sounds and new sights. A foreign land that opened my eyes to new possibilities. At that time, I was unaware, but the seed had been planted. We didn’t win the tournament. There were a lot of great teams we competed
against and a bunch of those guys went on to play in the NFL. But the experience itself revealed a passion I never knew I had. Ironically enough, at the age of twenty-eight, I live in Portland. And I often wondered why or how. Why did my mom move to Duncan, South Carolina out of all of the places she could have gone? Why was I bestowed with a unique opportunity to travel, by plane, for the first time, to a place so beautiful? And how did I end up here twelve years later? These are things I don’t worry about anymore. Life is, by nature, out of our control. A mystery full of unpredictable possibilities and potentialities. With this fact, I just try to do my best to play the hand I’m given and enjoy the ride and accept the wrecks. Honestly, you don’t have a choice. This train will keep moving with or without us so let it take you. Embrace the mystery.

Human

Who am I? Think carefully before you answer For your answer determines your destiny There are no labels There are no levels Nature cares nothing about our rules. For nature is consistent. We all will live We all will die There are no exceptions 

We will always live in a chaotic world full of heartbreak because we are chaotic complex creatures 

Adversity is inevitable 

Unbearable tragedies within our control, and out of our control wait behind every door. We will make mistakes. We will fail. 

But we embody a quality worth celebrating. A trait that is priceless. 

Resiliency. 

We go through a beating from life and we get back up We don’t give up easily We persevere By nature, you weren’t created to surrender We keep going because we crave purpose We keep going because the will to live is stronger than the desire to die…

Societal Pressures

Ideas implanted, Without my consent. Holding me in contempt, Knowing I need to vent. 

But I don’t know how. So I, Aimlessly prance around, Smile, but wanna frown Head up, but feeling down Pretentiously portraying a clown. 

That tension internally, stirring, destructively, creating the beast, nowhere to release, who should I be? 

Who they want me to be? 

Emotions, causing commotions, unsatisfied with the notion. Drinking the magic potion. And it’s filled, With “love”. 

But it’s conditional, & subliminal, stealing my soul like a criminal. 

But the system calls the plays, and I’m the receiver Masking everything, creating an unfulfilled deceiver Now I’m a believer. 

In, Blazing your own trail. Do it your way, And you’ll uncover the veil. 

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