The day that changed everything

I’d just gotten a fresh cut at the barbershop. I put on my tailored suit, sprayed some cologne, and slipped on my designer shoes. As the moderator for the night was reading my biography I kept my head down. Surrounding guests thought it was a gesture of my humble spirit but I was the only one that knew why. I was walking on stage to be inducted in the University of South Carolina Sports Hall of Fame. I pretended like I was happy to be there. I was good at concealing my true feelings.
Everyday leading up to the ceremony led to more dread. More shame, more guilt, more of a reminder that I’m not what people think I am. I presented a false picture ever since the naive age of sixteen and for the first time in my life it was being exposed to me…… in the form of emptiness.
I was thrusted into the spotlight, riddled with attention and notoriety. I could have anything I wanted whenever I wanted it and I took advantage of it. I had the responsibility of being a “role model” which translated to me at the time, perfect. Flawless. Naturally, I felt the need to upkeep this image by hiding my vices, my weaknesses, my covert addictions that were only growing. To top it off, I wore Christianity like a badge of honor although I never practiced the faith and in the south if you play football, and you’re a christian, you’re good as gold.
“Everyone has a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individuals conscious life, the blacker and denser it is” -Carl Jung
This was around the same time I started reading Robert Greene Laws of Human Nature so shit hit me like a truck. You become skilled at hiding. You learn the acceptable behaviors within society and display your best because you think that’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Until your spirit just can’t take it anymore. Yes, on paper I was a Hall of Famer. But I wasn’t a Hall of Fame person. I was not a Hall of Fame husband. I wasn’t a Hall of Fame friend. I gave some bullshit speech. I don’t even remember what I said but what I do remember is how I felt. After the ceremony was over I just wanted to go behind Colonial life arena and throw that Hall of Fame jacket in the dumpster.
This was vital.
That night shattered my worldview into itty bitty microscopic pieces. Through all of the painful realizations I was experiencing I discovered the real definition of “success”. It had nothing to do with accomplishments, awards, trophies. No. It was all a lie. In hindsight, after accepting myself fully, what I came to understand is that it’s who you are when nobody is watching you. Who are you when the camera cuts off, behind closed doors. Success is feeling good in your own skin. Not acting like you do. Up until that day, my validation as a human being had been predicated on what happened externally. What I achieved externally. What I looked liked externally. What people thought of me….my God.
I don’t pray and meditate to look cool. I don’t roll out this yoga mat for a trend. I don’t go to nature to take pictures. I didn’t downsize from 2,000 sq ft to 660 sq ft to be commended. I didn’t simplify my life for no reason. No, I didn’t choose these things, my soul pulled me this way. Call it whatever you want; intuition, the spirit, gut, I call it God because that’s really the only explanation for what transmitted into my being that night. The emptiness and dissatisfaction I felt for what was supposed to be a celebration was confirmation that worldly success does not equate to happiness. Look within. Look within. Look within.
“Play with your own scoresheet” -Andre 3000
Drop a comment in the comment section below
Any stand out moments in your life that redirected your course? Changed your perspective? Stand out as life changing? (Painful or pleasant)
What made it so?
February 17, 2022 @ 7:36 pm
Watching a close friend get 10 years in prison. Knowing I could’ve been right there with him. From that day forward I made a decision I was going to stop doing the stuff I was doing. Live life with a purpose and not be a statistic.
February 18, 2022 @ 8:07 am
Eleven and a half years ago, I was caught in the last of abusive episodes in my marriage. It was flee or die.
I had put up this facade that everything was in my control and in one fell swoop, and I can only give glory to God on this, everything changed. I was removed from the life I once had, all of it’s comforts, all of my people, every belonging I’d ever accumulated, inherited and purchased. My now ex-husband and the woman he got together with 3 months after we’d separated, sold everything I had for drug money. EVERYTHING.
I got to keep my life.
I was a broken, hot mess, certain that I would remain shattered forever, identified by what I had accumulated in this life and just wrecked by not having it anymore… but God.
I learned in the next steps how to let go. It wasn’t easy. Looking in that mirror and taking responsibility for my actions that even allowed me to be in that position, was gut wrenching, but necessary. The show was over and He brought me to my knees about it.
In Matthew 6:21, during the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”.
Your perspective on life changed that night outside of the Arena. Mine changed the day I escaped. Both of our experiences were transformative in the discovery that we’re not taking any of this with us when we depart and the reality that our treasure is not here. It’s in Heaven. What’s important here is what we do, not what we have; who we live for, not who we try to impress.
When God wants to use you in profound ways, some of the journey might hurt, but it won’t hurt forever. It’s a beautiful thing when He sprinkles the walk with seeds of humility, they grow into a life transformed.
These experiences shaped us to become who we are today. Transparent. Unashamed. Forgiven. Grateful. Blessed. His.
February 18, 2022 @ 10:15 am
Hey Marcus. I feel that. I have always measured my success by what others thought of me. I am well educated. But was let go from a company that I gave my all to because others made mistakes. Now 2800 families are impacted. I pondered over what I could have done differently, but it was during that time I was reminded of God. Don’t do what you do for accolades. Do it because it is right. I am in the midst of a job search, but I am being pulled in a direction unfamiliar to me. I know if I follow it I will be happy. I will be a better husband, a better father, and a better friend.
February 18, 2022 @ 10:21 am
Finding your true purpose is earth shattering and living within that construct and beyond it at the same time is the key to happiness. A fan of yours not because of you triumphs but, because of your perseverance. Your text was inspiring raw and genuine.
February 18, 2022 @ 10:22 am
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise;
Thou mine inheritance, now and always;
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart;
O King of glory, my treasure Thou art.
One of my favorite verses from a classic hymn, Be Thou My Vision
Marcus,
I am so grateful for your courage to speak up and help me and others. Keep ON!
February 18, 2022 @ 12:22 pm
Marcus, God has blessed you for being the inspiration that you were perceived. I always looked at you as being a great role model for your teammates and all that followed you ,especially young people. The only difference being now is you know God and his power that allows you to really understand what is important in life. God bless and keep you ,
February 18, 2022 @ 4:24 pm
“He could have added fortune to fame, but caring for neither, he found happiness & honor in being helpful to the world.”—on the tombstone of George Washington Carver
February 18, 2022 @ 7:35 pm
Knowing who you are…. faults and all is one of the greatest gifts we can receive from God. Truth is we all are far from perfect but few have the self awareness to see it, the conviction to change it and the courage to share it. But those that do will be used in a powerful way!!! Congratulations Marcus you’re doing a great thing and you will help so many people as a result.
February 21, 2022 @ 1:10 am
Где Вы ищите свежие новости?
Лично я читаю и доверяю газете https://www.ukr.net/.
Это единственный источник свежих и независимых новостей.
Рекомендую и Вам
February 21, 2022 @ 10:16 pm
This is amazing and speaks volumes for what most people feel but are afraid to speak on!
February 21, 2022 @ 10:54 pm
Где Вы ищите свежие новости?
Лично я читаю и доверяю газете https://www.ukr.net/.
Это единственный источник свежих и независимых новостей.
Рекомендую и Вам