Lies plagued my life for a long time. And let me say this, it is one of the most destructive and exhausting habits to have. I didn’t plan to become a liar, it just happened. I don’t think anyone wakes up in the morning with their pajamas on, hits their alarm clock, does a big huge yawn (like in the movies) and says, “You know what? I think I want to become a liar! Let’s gooo!” That’s not how it works, I don’t think at least. Could it have been because I hated confrontation? Could it be because I never wanted to disappoint anyone? Maybe, but those are the types of questions I have to keep asking myself. Those are the types of questions that bring you closer to the roots.
All behavior has an origin, discovering that origin is the challenging part. Does that justify or excuse the behavior? Hell no it doesn’t. You f***** up. Period. And once you realize the damage you created internally and externally, shame and guilt sets in. And those emotions are powerful! So powerful that if you sit with them long enough, you discover the source of power you need to recover. And get better.
And slowly, but surely, I’m starting to realize that you have to be kind to yourself. The language we use toward ourselves determines if we can move on with our lives or not. Calling yourself stupid over and over again isn’t going to change what happened. Humans have been fallible and imperfect since the dawn of creation. Just because you did something terrible doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. Give yourself grace and steer clear of those who believe in perfection. Or better yet, surround yourself with people who are human. Who understand the challenges that come with life. Who understand that, inherently, we’re all good. We just learned some survival strategies that are wacky, lame, and stump our growth. But most importantly, surround yourself with people who will hold you accountable and embody virtues.
“The truth shall set you free”
That was just some cute slogan when I was younger and didn’t have to worry about the consequences of my actions and how they affect the people closest to me. The shit is wild to even think about. But now? It’s almost as if life was going so fast in one direction I had to put it in reverse. I had become so accustomed to lying that it was a part of who I was. It was one of my values. Sadly. And when you value something so damn stupid, and you become aware of how many issues it caused, you must change. I guess that’s why I’m sitting in front of this keyboard spilling my soul. I guess that’s why I need to write or I don’t feel right. I have to get this shit out because being in prison is no fun. Once you get a taste of mental freedom, you want more. I guess it’s really not some cute slogan after all…